Some Further Thoughts -- To Fight Terror, That Is.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 03:32 AM

I've been giving this whole FISA snafu a lot of thought, and I've finally been convinced. My neocon, liberty-hating friends are absolutely correct!

Although it requires some stretching and twisting of the torso into horribly painful, contorted angles, Article II of the Constitution CLEARLY says the President is "Commander in Chief" of the armed forces.

According to all my Neocon friends and all the Bush Apologists on TV, that means he can do whatever he wants, to whoever he wants, for whatever reason he wants, with no regard to Constitutional restraints or judicial/congressional oversight or review as long as he says the word "terror" at least once per day in the presence of a notary public.

Whew! That's a load off my mind! Here, I was concerned that we were in danger of having our precious civil liberties snatched away from us by a power-mad autocrat. I feel better now.

And with that in mind, I would like to make a few suggestions on how to "win" the "war on terror."

Since it is now clear (thanks to my liberty-hating neocon friends and the other assorted Bush Apologists) that the President is NOT bound by the Constitution, Congress or Judicial Oversight, I think we could do a MUCH BETTER job at locating and neutralizing the terrorists among us. (That guy next to YOU, for instance...)

Here's what we do... once a week, a computer generates a list of 100 random zip codes from around the country. At the same time, that computer generates a random number from "0" to "9". In each of the communities identified by zip code (Camanche, Iowa -- 52730, for instance), the Department of Homeland Security rounds up EVERYONE age 14 and older whose Social Security Number ends on the randomly-selected single digit. (Oh, and all Muslims within the zip code, as long as we're at it.)

The assembled American citizens are taken to a secure location, where they are lightly tortured and then injected with Sodium Pentathol and asked a series of DHS-approved questions:

  1. Are you a terrorist?
  2. Do you know any terrorists?
  3. Is there anyone you know who MIGHT be a terrorist?
  4. Anything else you think we should know before we remove the electrodes?

Assuming (as will be the case most of the time) DHS gathers no usable intel from this weekly roundup, the individuals so-questioned will be released, given a voucher for a rotisserie chicken dinner at Boston Market and a ride home (except for the Muslims who will be water-boarded until they confess).

Think about it President Bush! No doubt, this blog entry will cross your desk at some point today (thanks, NSA!). I mean, as long as we're going to forfeit our rights to "fight terror" let's REALLY fight "terror."