Osama ex Machina

Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 09:21 AM

There's a literary term from the Ancient Greeks (although why the words are LATIN is a mystery, I guess...)

Deus ex Machina

Simply put, in some ancient Greek drama, an apparently insoluble crisis was solved by the intervention of a god, often brought on stage by an elaborate piece of equipment. This "god from the machine" was literally a deus ex machina. Few modern works feature deities suspended by wires from the ceiling, but the term deus ex machina is still used for cases where an author uses some improbable (and often clumsy) plot device to work his or her way out of a difficult situation. When the cavalry comes charging over the hill or when the impoverished hero is relieved by an unexpected inheritance, it's often called a deus ex machina.

Now that you understand the concept, let me introduce my first official conspiracy theory for 2006.

Osama ex Machina

Remember how Bush was trailing in the polls to Kerry in October 2004? All of a sudden, you can't turn on a TV without seeing Osama? Remember? Then everyone got good and scared and decided that if we elected Kerry, that meant Osama would feast on the flesh of our children? (I think Cheney actually SAID as much.) So now, with the NSA spying scandal and Abramoff and Rove and Libby and DeLay and all the OTHER Republican and Bush-related wrongdoings taking up so much media attention (when they can tear themselves away from Ben Affleck and Angelina Jolie for a moment, at least), the GOP finds itself NEEDING a quick jolt of fear to the American psyche, just to remind us what we're up against, see? See?


See, here's the thing. They GOT Osama! They got him way back in late 2001 and brought him back to Washington, DC, where they have him locked away in a basement dungeon in the bowels of the Library of Congress building. And every time the Bush administration gets its tit caught in a wringer and it seems there's no way out...

Osama ex Machina!

A native Arabic speaker types up a nice little script for Osama to read -- good and authentic, to appeal to the jihadists. Rumsfeld and Cheney go down to the basement dungeon and show him pictures of his nearly naked niece, and they tell him that Ariel Sharon is gonna jump into the tub WITH her unless he does as he's told. (Osama is not aware of the Israeli Prime Minister's health problems.) Osama is only all-too-happy to comply.

So he reads the script as provided, the American "Fright Level" goes up, and Bush is off the hook for another few months. Civil liberties continue to be violated, the rule of law is ignored, and the Administration runs rampant over the Bill of Rights unabated.

All because of...

Osama ex Machina!!!

And now you know. Tell your friends.