A Word from the Attorney General

Monday, February 06, 2006 at 06:02 AM

Hello.  This is Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, speaking to you from an undisclosed location over an NSA connection that must, by its very nature, be kept secret.  

There's been a lot of talk lately - a lot of it from Republican senators who should KNOW better - which says that the Bush administration has been breaking the law by engaging in unwarranted domestic spying.  Of course, that charge is completely without basis in fact.  

At this very moment, I am holding in my hands a section of the Constitution of the United States which specifically gives the Chief Executive the power to do whatever he wants to whoever he wants for whatever reasons he wants, as long as he swears before a notary public that he's doing it for the good of the nation.  And for freedom.  Now, don't go grabbing for your little shirt pocket editions of the Constitution.  You won't find this Article there.  This was a TOP SECRET article, added to the Constitution by the founders in 1789.  In their wisdom, the founders understood there would be, from time to time, liberal naysayers who attempt to thwart the Chief Executive in the lawful exercise of his Chiefly Executive powers.  They intentionally KEPT this part of the Constitution a carefully guarded secret, knowing as they did that if the liberals would try to AMEND the Constitution through legal means to undermine its key provisions if they knew about it.  That's why this parchment scroll with this secret, and previously unknown article of the Constitution is kept, along with the Vice President, in an undisclosed location, surrounded by 12-feet of steel reinforced concrete, barbed wire, laser motion detectors, and four or five really big, mean dogs.  

I would read the article to you, but then it wouldn't be secret any more, and that would defeat the purpose our founders had in mind when they created this secret article in secret all those many years ago.  But suffice it to say that this article, which I have personally read, gives the Chief Executive all the authority he needs to do what he is doing whenever he is doing it and for whatever reason.

Now, about the unwarranted wiretaps.  When you kiss your children goodnight tonight (after they repeat the state-approved Christian prayers you should receive in your mail later today), you owe it to yourselves to fall to your knees and thank the Chief Executive that he is EXERCISING the powers granted to him by the secret, secret part of the secret Constitution I just mentioned.  

Our highly trained and overly enthusiastic espionage experts at the NSA are doing a bang-up job, with the Chief Executive's guidance, in weeding out the domestic terrorists who would kill you and your babies if it weren't for this Administration.  The highly sensitive data mining systems in place, which are very secret by nature, have the capability to sift through and highlight suspicious conversations that may, or may not, have anything to do with national security.

Give a quick listen to this declassified recording we intercepted some time ago.  Terrorists lurk everywhere, even in my home town.  Just listen to what some former high school classmates of mine were saying just the other day.


CLASSMATE 1:  Did you see Gonzales on TV the other day?  What a geek.

CLASSMATE 2:  He was a geek then, and he's a geek now.

CLASSMATE 1:  You said it.  Remember the time we pulled his pants off in the locker room and threw him out into the gym where the cheerleaders were practicing?

CLASSMATE 2:  Yeah.  That was a riot.  And he stood there and cried like a little girl.  Just like he always did.

CLASSMATE 1:  Uh huh.  It was a very "Al" kinda thing to do.


Well, that's enough of that.  You heard the important part.  Our sensitive equipment picked up on this sentence and alerted my office.

CLASSMATE 1:  It was a very "Al" kinda thing to do.

Now, true, he said "Al kinda" and not "Al Qaeda."  But these are dangerous times, and we can't take chances.  

These two former classmates and their families were arrested later that day and taken to an undisclosed country in the Middle East where, after several hours of waterboarding and light application of electricity, they apologized for certain high school related behaviors.  After which, their interrogators were eventually convinced that they were not terrorists, but were, instead, big bullies who deserved - even 30 years after the fact, to be brought down a peg or two.  And that would not have been possible without the unrestricted access we have to all telephone conversations everywhere mandated by the ultra-secret portion of the Constitution I spoke of earlier.  

So lighten up, America.  Take a deep breath and relax.  Don't worry about your security or your rights.  We've got you covered.  

Oh, yes we do!