Alberto Gonzales: the best AG money can buy?

By Lee Russ

Friday, March 31, 2006 at 05:33 PM

Try this one on:  tromp on the Constitution and the federal law against warrantless spying and you're okay, but download some music illegally and you're in B I G trouble, my friend.  So much trouble, you'll have to see Alberto G in person.

According to the CBS report linked above, Gonzales reminded 7th & 8th grade kids assembled at a school in San Jose, California that illegally downloading music, movies and software is a form of stealing, and pulled out the big fear stick:

I hope you never have the misfortune to deal with me as a result of engaging in something you shouldn't be doing.

Don't worry, kids, all you have to do is become president and Alberto will not only help you do the illegal downloads, he'll assure congress that your downloads, if they do indeed exist, which he cannot affirm or deny because he can't get into operational detail, are fully compliant with the Constitution.  Not only that, but they are essential to the musicified executive theory, help keep the nation safe from terrorists who would like to take away our right to listen to music, and are similar in kind, degree, and purpose to past presidential acquisitions of entertainment resources, such as Lincoln's attendance at the Ford Theater.

Alberto G--the best AG money can buy; 20% less catchable than John Mitchell, 20% more effective than John Ashcroft, and 100% likely to support the boss.  Not to mention the boss's contributors from the entertainment industry.  Coming to you soon, in a classroom near you.  And the best thing is, by the time he gets there, he'll know your name, your momma's name, your poppa's name, your family's finances, who you tend to talk to by telephone and e-mail, and exactly what music you've told those people that you downloaded.

I'd download Alberto's record, but it seems to be broken, playing the same few notes over and over and over and over and over and over and over and