Future Headlines

Thursday, May 18, 2006 at 10:29 AM

Having been reassured by a host of Republicans on recent television shows that all is well and good and thriving, I started to wonder some future headlines might look like.

Like these:

President addresses remaining American workers; reassures all 37 that outsourcing is no threat.

President for Life George W. Bush IV attends medals ceremony at NSA.

Supreme Court Justice impeached for failure to wear cross under robe.

Texas debates dropping bounty for homosexual scalps.

Republicans push President for Life to lower income tax rates; current 4.4% called confiscatory.

FBI reports 837,388 deaths by gunshot last year.

Texas legislature nears vote on "Happiness Helps" bill making frowns and complaints Class 3 felonies.

Mexico warns American President for Life over hordes of poor sneaking into Mexico.

Early morning raid nabs thousands for avoiding $99 Hi-Way Inc. fee for travel on nation's private toll highways system.

Raising Social Security retirement age to 103 proposed as way to keep seniors healthy and happy.

National Lottery prize up to 500 gallons of gas.

Spyglass Hill nuke plant should be visible for miles and years.

Republican House Majority Leader acquitted of all 377 ethics charges.

Ann Coulter celebrates 95th birthday by calling for death for everyone.

Arab Gulf Republic warns US, Europe to obey no-fly zones in Southern Europe.

Inside: Guide to Most Nutritious Garbage Dumps.

President for Life: liberal media overstates health threat from malnutrition.