As Gas Prices Soar, Hawaii is the First to Cap

By Anthony Levensalor

Thursday, August 25, 2005 at 05:09 AM

Hawaii became the first state in the union today to cap wholesale gas prices at $2.16/gallon. Sounds good right about now, but that's before taxes and retail markup, making the minimum practical price in Honolulu next week $2.87/gallon.

Check here for a real news story on it, I'm just in this to rave a little bit.

Hawaii is capping the price of gas at $2.16 a gallon. That's the new wholesale cost as of next week, when their new capping law takes effect.

However, there's the matter of the $.59/gallon tax on gas in Hawaii, which makes the bare minimum cost for retailers $2.75. Add in the customary $.12/gallon retail markup, and you get a gas price of $2.87/gallon.

That's just three cents more than the cost of gas in Hawaii right now.

Are we not getting the hint, people? Are we not seeing supply go down and demand go up? Oh, and thanks Robertson, you asshole, for helping to make our already shitty relationship with the fifth largest oil producing nation on the planet (Venezuela) even worse.

I swear, God chooses the stupid ones, doesn't he? Bush, Falwell, Robertson, the entire Republican party, you name it. If there is a God, he needs to fire his fucking HR manager and start actually LOOKING at the resumes.

Name: George W. Bush
Occupation: Preznit
Reason why you should be the hand of God:
I know some stuff about oil, and I think anybuddy who don't think Jeebus is the reel deel should be daid.

Who looks at that application and says: "Damn, I think I found me the next Messiah!"? Apparently, the God of Abraham, if you listen to Mister Bush.

I picture his God as sounding a lot like Jeff Foxworthy, no offense to Jeff Foxworthy.

In any event, back to the goop you have to suck out of the ground, as Bill Maher said on Larry King the other day. Our dependency on oil is not only crippling us, it is an abhorrent demonstration of the stupidity of our culture.

We ride around in our SUVs (oh no, the tired old demonizing of the SUV!!), and in our Hummers (well, the 1-percenters, anyway), and we take for granted the fact that it will always be the way it is today.

Now, I have a new theory I'd like to advance, to counteract all that "non-renewable" jargon you might be hearing. In my theory, God provides the new oil when we run out.

In the "intelligent renewable energy" theory, God will come down the instant we run out of oil and spruce everything back up, just kind of breath new petroleum into the Earth to keep us safe and sane. Just when we think it's over, that we won't have nothin' else to run our cars on, a golden chariot will come down with a mighty "fill'er up!", and all will be well.

These fatalists in the "scientific" arena want you to think that the oil is going to run out. It ain't, cuz my new theory disproves all that jazz.

And shit, you can't prove it wrong. You can try, but there ain't no way you gonna be convincin' anybuddy that thar oil ain't gonna be refilled by Jesus in a Conoco hat.

Pat Robertson, eat your heart out.

~A!