The four-point plan for sanity

By Lee Russ

Sunday, November 05, 2006 at 04:00 PM

Okay, I'm sick to death of the election.  I'm sick to death of politics in general, where all statements have ulterior motives for engines, and the only truth is that everyone's lying to some degree. So lets get right to the nuts & bolts.

The problem:  We need to reverse the far right course that has been laid straight toward the 19th century,

The obstacle: Not enough people in this country understand that just about every single thing coming from the right is a con, from Ted Haggard to Ted Stevens, from James Inhofe to Tom DeLay to James Guckert/Jeff Gannon, from Randy Cunningham to Grover Norquist, from mega churches to the Heritage Foundation, ad nauseum.

The solution: We start a campaign to convince all the bright lights of the right, the people with more money than points on their sanity test that...

1.  Poverty causes homosexuality; just wait until you see the wealth sharing plans from the religious right.

2. Lack of civil liberties leads to abortion; so long NSA spying schemes and hello Habeas Corpus.

3. Lack of health care starts people down a road that inevitably leads to a desire to raise taxes; hello universal health care.

4. Unemployment and underemployment makes people so horny that they have frequent unprotected sex after drinking gallons of booze and downing a few pills of uncertain nature.

It's a foolproof 4-point plan to sanity by way of straitjacket boulevard.  All we need now is a "peculiar" billionaire or two to fund the first think tanks to produce analytical papers supporting our points, so the results can be discussed on television and radio, with the authors appearing prominently as experts, first in the air and then as respected columnists in major newspapers.

I think I even have a name for the plan:  Care Them Into Compliance With Jesus.

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